Reflection

It's late.....very late. I can't sleep. My mind has a million thoughts running through my head right now and I have no idea how to settle down. The events of today have caused me to reflect on life and relationships and that recurring age old question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I hope by writing, somehow I'll be able to sort through my thoughts and relive some of the stress I have right now.

There have been few moments in my life that have really caused me to stop and think long and hard about where I am going, things I want to accomplish in life and where I need to better myself. Up until today however all these events were happy moments that gave me reason to positively reflect on life. First returning home from my LDS mission in Japan. Then came my wedding day to my beautiful, loving wife. Not too far behind was our first son, Edward, who has brought more joy into my life that words can express. And last graduating from college. All of these events caused me at one time or another, to stop, think, and assess where I was, where I wanted to go and how I was going to get there. From these events, I awaited with great anticipation for what the future would bring and look forward to the challenging and new adventures that I would soon be able to experience.

Today's event, however, feels completely the opposite. I feel sick. Tired. Heavy inside. And most of all scared. I realize that more than likely, I'm over rationalizing and shouldn't be thinking the way I am. I need to be focused and stay utterly optimistic without any doubt in my mind that things in the end will work to my families' advantage. But see therein lies the problem because what exactly does that mean? The future just seems so uncertain right now. Rather than a future of adventure and opportunity, its a future of worry and fear. I realize there are many steps in the next few weeks before anything can really happen but what exactly is going to happen? Maybe that is what I am so scared about. I nor anybody knows what exactly is, if anything going to happen. And there is where my fear lies. Uncertainty.

On the other side, this could be a great thing. I have no idea how or why but maybe that is something that I can look forward to the future. What good, if any will come of this trial? What benefits will come with it? But see there lies my problem again: uncertainty for the future. I have no idea or way of telling if any good is going to come from this.

I know that this entry makes no sense whatsoever. That's okay, ambiguity never hurt anyone right? Well, maybe only the reader. More than anything though, this post has been for me. A healthy way to sort through my thoughts and learn how to cope with this new challenge. I'm still very confused, have a billion feelings running through my body (are there a billion?), and still have no idea or methodology to take on this new challenge with. Life sure does know how to keep things interesting and exciting though. It's when you think you have things figured out and life seems to be going fine that Life decides to throw you to the ground and kick you in the stomach.

Lesson Learned: Be optimistic, find the good and be excited for the new challenges that will come our way. DO NOT worry about the future.